Saturday, July 30, 2011

Don't act tough.

"How long did it hurt?
How long did you keep it a secret?
Since last year?
Since you joined the band?
Did they know?
Did any of your friends know how much pain you felt?
Did you tell any of them that even the simple act of waving your flag hurts?
Did you tell them that every time you finish practicing you feel like fainting?
Did you tell them how many times you fainted?
Why?
What is so important with being in the band anyways?
Was it that important that you could just ignore the pain that you felt?
What if you can't write anymore?
What if you can't walk anymore?
What if you die?
Are your friends going to help you?
Are your friends going to be there for you?
Is that girl that you stood up for going to be there with you?"

It's always hard to explain the whys, the hows, the whens....

Your mum reads my blog.
I wish the bad news is a good news, but I can't really change anything, can't I?

Wednesday, July 27, 2011

Speechless.

"Lynnie, is that a lump on your neck?"
......



Your mum reads my blog.
Death leaves a heartache no one can heal.
突然怕. 
如果医生只有, 怎么办?

Tuesday, July 26, 2011

Help me.

"Lynnie, 自杀就自杀吧.
走就走吧. 
知道朋友吗?"


三十粒药丸, 如果吃了下去, 救我吗?
了, 想念吗?




Your mum reads my blog.
She let our friendship go.
I'm letting my life go.

Monday, July 25, 2011

Have you ever...

Trust someone but as time goes by you feel like that someone never trusted you and now you feel like you're losing trust on that someone?

A friend is someone who you can blow kiss to and she'll blow it back.
You never did. All you do was give me that weird stare of yours.
I thought : Maybe she don't like kisses.

A friend is someone that will share half of her doughnut with you.
Whenever I'm with you, I always wonder : Will you share you doughnut?
I thought : Maybe she don't like eating other people's saliva.

A friend is someone that will be there for you no matter if it rains or shines.
When your world is raining, I'm there with you. Whenever mine is, you're never there for me.
I thought : Oh well, maybe she's busy having fun with her sun.

A friend is someone that will absorb all your problems like bread absorbing soup.
I absorbed all your problems. When you almost got fired by teacher, when you felt like no one trusted you, when you felt like no one listened, when you felt like everything you did wasn't worth it, I was there. But you were never there for me.
I thought : Maybe her problems are too much for her to handle.

A friend is someone that will hand you a tissue for your constant nosebleed/tears.
I gave my tissue, my shoulder, my ears, my tears to you. And all I get in return is one hug.
I thought : Maybe she don't know how to handle me.

All this while I've always thought it was my problem.
When you sent me that message, I was hurt.
I was like, wth is wrong with her? WTH is wrong with ME?
Maybe I'm too sensitive, too needy, too.....

But then I found something out.
And he was right.
She was right.
They were right.
You didn't trust me enough.
Maybe you don't trust me at all.
Ask yourself that.
Because when I asked you, I sensed insincerity.

Your mum reads my blog.
My life is filled with friends.
Friends that I can trust, laugh with, smile at, be with, feel safe with, hug, cry to....
But I'm curious. Are you a friend? Or a foe?

Sunday, July 24, 2011

Second thoughts.

Those people that we murdered.
Those lives that we took.
Those families that we broke.
Those identities that we changed.
Those threats that we made.
Those actions that we did.
Those tears that we induced.

Was it necessary?


Suddenly feeling like jumping down the hill.
Your mum reads my blog.
Why can't I trust my friends?
Why can't I trust you?

Saturday, July 23, 2011

Tokoh Nilam Kebangsaan 2011 : The people I met...

Start with an (uncomplete) group pict first.
Last week I went to Shah Alam for 4 days to attend the Tokoh Nilam pemilihan thingy.
I went to lots of place, met lots of people, made lots of friends...
Laughed a lot :D

2nd group picture.
More complete (without teachers just students nia :p)

I'm kinda sleepy (went to gp the whole day!!)
So.... No captions okay la right?












EPIC FACE! :P



LOL BLUR to the max!
I didn't took that many pictures cause the first day was kinda awkward cause we dunno anyone,
2nd day was filled with interview and performances,
3rd day was hectic as hell running round here and there visiting place,
4th day everyone went home before I get to take my DSLR out! :(

Took this at Taman ICT.
I don't know whether it's my cam's prob or the photographer's prob but A LOT of the picts came out blur *sad face*
And the Taman ICT was so pretty and yet the pictures (with me in it) is so LAOBEH...
Like seriously laobeh to the brink of extinction....
PFFT!
I mean, if the picture is artistic blur (like the one above *coughs coughs*) then okay lah.
But then SO SAD it's blur blur blur kinda blur!
Un-DSLR-like pun....

Your mum reads my blog.
My bro's dunno-how-many-inch LCD is giving me the dizzies.
I think I'm losing the ability to trust people....
Next up.... Tokoh Nilam Kebangsaan 2011 : The performances.


Friday, July 22, 2011

What I learnt today.

"In life, there are things that we don't want to happen but have to accept;
things that we don't want to know but have to learn;
and people we can't live without but have to let go."

I don't know why.
But I wish I knew it before you died.
And I wish I don't have to let go.

I'm not letting go.
I won't let go.
I can't let go.
So to those of you who's asking me to let go, give me some time.
No matter if it takes day, a month, a year or a decade for me to let go, just be there for me.
DON'T make me let go.
Just don't.
You and I both know what happened the last time you forced me to let go.



Your mum reads my blog.

Thursday, July 21, 2011

I wonder....

"The night is bright, with a starlit sky,
I sit and think, as time passes by.
Oh starry night, with a moonlit sky,
take me away, and tell me why.
Give me a reason, for friendship's end,
give me a reason, for why I lost a friend."

They say that you need years to gain a friend but you only need a minute to lose one.
I wonder why it seems like my friends never trust me.
I wonder why they say I'm fake.
I wonder why no one ever ask me about something they heard or read about me.
I wonder why people always make allegations blindly.
I wonder why I always feel like I need a hug.
I wonder why I'm so tired sometimes.
I wonder why sometimes it's smiling is the hardest thing to do.
I wonder why people expect me to smile all the time.
I wonder why people want me to be there to comfort them but never tell me truth.
I wonder why I feel like I'm not appreciated.

"Friends are made by many acts and lost by only one."
I need you to talk to me.
I want you to talk to me.
If you're mad at me, scream at me.
If you're frustrated about the things I do, tell me.
If you're questioning what I'm saying, ask me.

"Give your heart to someone who'll cherish it."
I know you guys are sometimes frustrated by the things that I do, the way I act, the words I speak.
But sometimes I'm frustrated with the things that you do and say too.
You guys always ask me to open my heart, to tell you all what's bothering me.
But have you ever prove to me that you're worth opening my heart for?
I've been betrayed, not just once, but lots and lots of time.
I don't wanna be that stupid, foolish girl chasing a friendship that don't exist, trying to open my heart to someone who won't accept me.

"A friendship that can cease has never been real."
I need you guys to trust me.
I need you guys to accept the way I am.
I need you guys to appreciate me.
I need you guys to make me feel wanted.
I need your support.
I need your tolerance.
I need you guys to speak to me, face to face.
Let me hear your voice.
Let me hear your thoughts.





Your mum reads my blog.

Wednesday, July 20, 2011

Murmurs.

My heart hurts.
I need someone to talk to.
I need someone to make me smile.
I need someone to hug me.
I need someone to tell me it's going to be okay.




Your mum reads my blog.

Tuesday, July 19, 2011

The ultimatum.

我们绝交吧.



Your mum reads my blog.

Sunday, July 17, 2011

You know what?

I quit.
I quit living life.


Your mum reads my blog.
:'(

Wednesday, July 13, 2011

Can I be happy?

It's ironic how I look so happy in picts yet my heart is breaking even more every minute.
I wish someone will offer me a hug.
A great big hug.
And maybe even lend me a shoulder to cry on.

Your mum reads my blog.
Sometimes I wonder:
What am I doing in this world?


Tears.

It means so much.
And yet no one seems to care about it.

Your mum reads my blog.
Insomnia!
Sleep!
Tears!
Anger!

Tuesday, July 12, 2011

Revelations. Secrets.

Talked to TC yesterday.
GASP! Found out about lots of stuffs.
Suddenly feel like blogging about it but then lots of things that I shouldn't mention, so...

Oh well....
Your mum reads my blog.
Wth right illegal blogging again (!)

Monday, July 11, 2011

PLKN 2012 Name List : Are you in it?

This morning I went to school with my blur face and attitude and found out that almost everyone checked their names.
WTH I didn't know anything pun rupa-rupanya my aerial so short.
But actually I don't quite care if I get it or not cause either ways it'll be fun.
I heard a few girls talking about being tanned (?) when going there but I don't give a damn since I'm already tanned LOL.
But anyways... Curiosity got the best out of me.
So I went and try to surf www.khidmatnegara.gov.my to check my name.
But it's not working.
I guess 5485588 form-fivers are surfing that website right now looking for their names.
Oh well...
I guess I'll have to wait for another day....
But to all of you who are as clueless as I am, these are the two ways you can do to check whether you are in:You either log on to www.khidmatnegara.gov.my (I think it's pointless cause seriously it's lembab as hell)
              
                      OR
You text PLKN SEMAK IC No. and send it to 15888
I don't think that'll work too but I should have some faith in our government, shouldn't I?
Your mum reads my blog.
I wish I kena then can go with my *coughs*.
LOL just joking. *winks*

Friday, July 8, 2011

:(

I need a hug, a smile, a pat in the back, a leg massage, a kiss and a slap.


Your mum reads my blog.
My leg's wobbly.

Ee Teng Ee Teng Ee Teng Ee Teng....
Be happy.
Laugh. :D
Don't make me worry about you.

Wednesday, July 6, 2011

Toilet break.

Tired.
Dizzy.
Nausea.
Heartache.
Lumps.

Your mum reads my blog.
What's happening?

Monday, July 4, 2011

Find the time.

'She needs me now but I can't seem to find the time.' The Script - For The First Time

"I know you want to talk to me but I'm busy right now so maybe you can pour out those silly little troubles of yours to me some other time?" Isn't it ironic how the same person who told me that I could tell her whatever problem I have will be the person to push me away? You guys may think, wth is her problem does she expect her friend to constantly be listening to her problems?

Truth is, I am not a "pour my hearts out" kinda person. I rarely ever tell my friends my problems, always lending an ear to listen to their rants. Never have I ever turn down a friend when she's in trouble and feel like talking. Since I dream of being a psychologist (actually I'm still torn between being that or being a pediatrician but more about that some other day) I really do appreciate it when my friend trust me enough to open up and give me the chance to understand them even more.

But, the problem I have is I always feel so insecure. Maybe I'm just being paranoid but whenever I feel like telling someone something, something will stop me from doing so. There will be this voice in the back of my head. "If you tell them, they will tell someone else!" I believe that this problem of mine arised when my dad left us. It made me be wary of everyone and everything around me, it made me not able to trust people.

Lately this voice is getting further away (maybe it's stashed in one of my brain's lockers and locked with the world's strongest padlock LOL). I'm beginning to open up about things. I told someone about my dad (actually almost everyone knows though I never know how they know), about my friend's death, about my insecurities....

So it IS disappointing when one of the few people who begged me to open up finds herself too busy to be pestered by my problems. Not that I don't understand how busy she is with school and everything but... I don't know... Maybe I'm just being insecure again (LOL).

Everyone have 24 hours.
Why is it that I found time to hear everyone's problems, but all I could do when I have a problem is either:
a) dance in the rain (well it's not raining lately so I can't do that)
b) scream like a crazy lady (And have someone label me as one.)
c) cry (I'm a crybaby. Seriously.)
d) blog about it (thank god your mum reads my blog!)

Oh well.
Your mum reads my blog.
Tokoh Nilam Kebangsaan is gonna be in (less than) 2 weeks.
So I'm very busy. BUT!!!!
PCGHS Sports Day Part I post is gonna be uploaded soon (most probably Wed).
Penang State Marching Band Competition post is gonna be posted WAY later. 
Kudos to me for drafting 4 posts at a time!

Friday, July 1, 2011

1/J

It's the first of July!!
That's half a year gone!
And I only blinked thrice!
GOSH!


Your mum reads my blog.
School tomorrow.