Friday, October 19, 2012

Explanations.

Sometimes there's no point explaining yourself. People who've been through what you've been through would actually understand without having to ask; people who are compassionate but have not experienced what you've experienced will try to understand; people who asked just for the sake for asking will not understand, and still have questions in their head.

How can someone who don't understand understand? They say it takes getting everything you ever wanted and losing everything to know what true freedom is. People who have lost, will understand what 'freedom' really means; people who are in the midst of losing will have a grasp of it's meaning, but can't fully understand it yet; people who've never lose anything will never understand.

When people I know find out about my life, they'd ask me how I feel. But there's no point talking to people who is in the not knowing. I can't explain myself to people who have no idea what it is like to seek safety in other people, to find home to be wherever you lie your head. It's not their fault, really. For them to be incapable of understanding. Because in a way, I can't understand certain aspects of their lives too.

The thing is, if you don't understand, don't judge. Seriously. If you've never been in that situation, don't even try to put yourself in that situation, because your perception of what happened and the reality of what actually happened may differ a lot.





Your mum reads my blog.
You terrified me.

Wednesday, October 17, 2012

Loneliness.

Someone asked me the other day if I was lonely, if I was sad. My answer was how could I be lonely when I have this bunch of great friends surrounding me?

To tell you the truth, of course there are times that I feel lonely. Times where I miss my mum, my brothers, my bed, my room, the food in Penang. But then these times are so rare because a lot of my time is spent with my friends, hanging out, talking, doing nothing, doing everything.

I try to not let the loneliness swallow me. I know how bad it feels to be lonely, and I'm trying to avoid that feeling. Because I think it's like a hole, and when you jump into it, it'll be filled with dirt, and this bunch of dirt will slowly engulf you, secluding you from the outside world, pushing you away from everyone around you.

So, tell me, how can I get lonely? When all these awesome people are here with me all the time. Plus, mm and I chat almost every day so at least it seems like she's with me always :)

If you ever feel lonely, know that there's always someone for you. Trust me. Just look around.




Your mum reads my blog.
I found my people.

Tuesday, October 16, 2012

Happiness.

I was told by a friend of mine that this is the face of pure happiness. That the moment, captured, was just perfectly timed to portray how happy I felt. That the creases around the eyes, the squint, the upward curve, the cheeks, all show true, innocent happiness. To tell you the truth, at that moment, that time, I really, really felt happy. I was surprised, happy, touched, and I was ALMOST reduced to tears (but managed to compose myself :P)

But then, I am this happy all the time. Even the other day, my friends and I were on the Ferris Wheel, and I felt really happy. Which was weird. It was a childish thing to do, being on the Wheel. I was moving back and forth to make our carriage sway, and my friend was freaking out. And I couldn't stop laughing. Other people would think I'm this overgrown child that's a bit off in the head, but who cares? As long as I'm happy, right?

The thing is, happiness lies within yourself. You can be happy if you want to. If you don't restrict your emotions. I know of people who aren't brave enough to be happy. Who insists on being sad, just cause they think they don't deserve being happy. I think it's sad, really. For them to not be able to feel pure happiness. But then, who am I to judge them, right?

Managed to compose myself enough to pose for a picture, and was photobombed by Alexis' peace sign. Meh him. Anyways, yes, it was my bday. I know I said I didn't want to celebrate it, but everyone was celebrating it for me, so... :)




Your mum reads my blog.
It takes getting everything and losing everything to know what everything means to you.

Monday, October 15, 2012

Wishes.

I was asked to make a wish the other day. And my wish was simple. Selfish, but straight to the point. I wished for my wishes to always come true. Weird, I know. And I heard somewhere I'm not supposed to tell my wish to the world cause it won't come true but what the hell. LOL. I believe a wish is just a wish; it's what you do to make that wish come true that's important.

The reason why my wish was so odd is because I have a lot of wishes. I wish for world peace, I wish for happiness, I wish for clarity, I wish for wealth, I wish for self acceptance, I wish for a happy future, a happy family, I wish for a great bunch of friends,...

I hope they come true. I'm working on them, to make them come true. Every step I'm taking in my life is to ensure my life would be surrounded by all those things. There are some wishes, and dreams, that were smashed into pieces and ruined, but still, there's still hope.

Anyways, what I'm trying to say is keep wishing. Keep dreaming. Have faith. :)





Your mum reads my blog.
A star in a starless sky.

Sunday, October 14, 2012

Absence.

They say absence makes the heart grow fonder. I certainly do hope so. I know, I know, it's my fault for not updating my blog, but do understand that things have been really, really hectic these days. Between midterms (that's happening within these two weeks), assessments (on again, off again), assignments (due date nearing!), projects (secretary me have lots of things to do), events (project leader, cap on!) and hanging out (this is a must), my schedule is packed!

Don't get me wrong, it's not like I have no time for myself and/or blogging, but when I reach home, all I want to do is lie on my bed, read, and fall asleep. The urge to blog is only there when I'm at uni, listening to boring lectures. Which is funny, in a way.

Anyways, I (hope) I'd be able to get back to my usual blogging routine, and be able to blog about everything that's happening in my life. A LOT is happening, and it seems like I'm being unfair because I didn't expose you guys to my uni life yet! My laziness is eating me :/

Stay tuned! Don't forget me! :D





Your mum reads my blog.
I wish for things.

Friday, October 5, 2012

Silence.

{ I wrote this post in my diary while I was at the library in my uni reading books and observing people :D }
You know what I think is precious? Silence. I find it rare, to be able to have a moment where everything is so quite, it seems like time is not moving. It's during this moment that if you just sit still, close your eyes, your mind could, in a way, just roam freely, escaping from the boundaries that you, and the people around you, have set. And then, there's a possibility that your heart can fly higher than any bird or plane you have ever seen.

But if you really think of it, it's not the silence that you're feeling, it's the peace. It's that peaceful moment where your mind, body, and soul, is at one. Where you can just push away all worries, all emotions, and just breathe. Where all your bills, your work, no longer bother you.

Though there's something I'd like to admit : I'm not a silent-lover. It's rare that when I'm met with a silent moment, my heart will soar. To tell you the truth, I'm afraid of it, in a way. I'm afraid of the awful loneliness that comes with the silence. For one to be able to embrace silence, it takes more than being in a room where everything's still. It takes courage.

As I'm sitting here, in the library, where there's almost zero noise, with my earphones plugged in, and music resonating from my phone, I tried. I tried to calm myself down, to meditate. But I failed. I couldn't do it. I guess in a way, it's a silly fear. I love quietness, but I hate the awful silence in my heart. Oh well. Weird me.






Your mum reads my blog.
I'm trying so hard to understand you.