Saturday, November 16, 2013

Never hers.

"She wondered why it was so hard for him to just send her a text message. Then she felt selfish for wanting him to do that. Who is she, to be hoping he'd think of her often? Who is she for him to worry about? And then she realized : he's not hers. He don't belong to her. And he never will. It's time to let go."

Friday, November 15, 2013

Her wants.

"All she ever wanted was for someone to love her. Unconditionally. For everything that she is. Every single tantrum she throws. Every single thing she needs. Her whole life she felt worthless. No one waited for her to come home, no one cared if she is fine, if she's happy; or if she's sad.

When she met him, she wanted, needed him to be that person. She yearned for him to love her, and be there for her. She wanted him to accept every part of her, even those random days when she'd go all depressed and sad.

And then there was this one day when she told him to come see her because she really, really need him to. She was sad that for the past 2 days she didn't ask him to come pick her up and he didn't take the initiative to do so. So she asked him why. And she told him she really need him to come see her. And he said "but you need me to come see you everyday."

And that was when all the past worthlessness came back. For the first time in their relationship she felt like a burden. She felt like someone who was being dragged along. Someone who's not needed. Someone who people won't care if she's alive.

And then she realized how pathetic she is. She realized and yet all she could do is bury herself under her covers, weep, and hope that someone, somewhere will realize how much she's suffering."

Tuesday, November 12, 2013

Exhausted.

For the past three months...

I have been sick twice, the first knocking me out for 10 days, the second, 4. I've never been this sick my whole life, and it's horrible. So much so that I don't even get why it happened to me while I'm interning and not when I'm in university and is dying to skip classes.

I lost my phone (a disaster that is more my mistake than anything but still made me lose that bit of faith in humanity).

I gained a phone then lose it again when it broke down (still in the midst of fixing it).

I worked more than 8 hours a day (if you add the time I take commuting I'd say I work almost 10 hours a day).

I celebrated my birthday. Okay, I didn't. It went past me just like that, with wishes that I can count with my fingers.

I pierced my left ear. And am looking like a weirdo spotting just one stud because the place I pierced my ears at didn't have a similar stud for my right ear.

I became skinnier. Or say they say. I still feel fat. Or at least, on the heavier side.

My hair grew out. And I'm now more beautiful than ever. That I'll admit. Despite all the stress and getting sick I'm not having any pimples and my face is so much clearer now.

I've been writing. A lot. Not in my blog (that's kind of obvious), but in my diary, my book.

I read a lot. Novels, mostly. Almost done with the whole collection of books I brought from Penang. Borrowed books two weeks ago from campus and finished that already. And I just realized the books are due to be returned and I haven't yet return it.

I've freaked out. Cried. Broke down. Laughed. Smiled. Flirted. Talked. Sobbed. Wailed. Danced. Sung.

I did so much, and so little at the same time. But today... today I'm exhausted. I'm exhausted and all I wanted to do is sleep on my comfortable bed, in my room (that is the messiest it has ever been). And yet I forced myself to wake up, to go out and spend time with le monsieur, and to just walk around making myself more tired. This is crazy.

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This is me. About a month ago. Looking pretty, I hope. (Instead of the usual tired zombie that I am)

Thursday, November 7, 2013

"kisses. hugs. kisses and hugs. kisses and hugs. hugs and kisses.

she has no idea when all those don't matter anymore. all she knows is that it don't matter anymore. he can kiss her all he want to, hug her all he want to. he can even ignore her, deny her the hugs and kisses. she don't mind. she don't care anymore. if he's with her, he's with her; if he's not, he's not.

the moment he walked away and left her there alone to cry and beg for him to come back, that moment when she realized he never will come back, that moment when she accepted the fact and went home, he lost her. he lost her heart to himself / she lost her heart to sadness, it's all the same, really. her heart's lost. and it won't come back. she's trying, but a big part of her knows it will never come back.

he left her. for that few hours he gave up on their relationship. and for that few hours she mourned the loss of her relationship. she ran after him, she went limp by the road, she begged for him to come back, she cried. she cried and cried for all the beautiful times they had, all the fights, all the laughter. then she clicked. she forgave him. and she gave up. she gave up on the 20 years and more they promised each other. she gave up on the babies they planned to make. she gave up on the life that she could have had with him.

and when he came back and begged for her forgiveness, she forgave him, and together they are. she numbed herself. to everything and anything. to pain. to love. every moment with him she cherishes, every minute spent with him is a blessing. every moment without him she cherishes too, every minute spent alone a liberation. she is a being without a soul, a mere living dead, living life for someone else."

Friday, November 1, 2013

Present.

"these few months has been hard on her. everything is weighing down on her. it's one of those days, really, where she just yearned to be free, to have the universe release her off its presence. she lives, but she's not alive. she wants to leave, but she's bounded, by responsibilities, by the nature of being human, by love. she wants to leave this cruel world. this world where she no longer feel the need to survive. she's living just for the sake of living. every day, waking up is a chore, is torture. and yet she does it. she does it for the sake of the dreams others have for her, the dreams she had for herself.

4.10pm. she stood there in the rain. ignoring the cries from him asking her to get into the shade, to not be in the rain. she looked up. and she begged. for the first time in her life she begged whatever higher being there is to take her away. she begged for the universe to give everyone around her the clarity to let her be free, to let her go. she begged so hard tears streamed down her face unwillingly.

rain and tears. rain and tears. rain and tears.

no one can understand her. the emptiness she feels. she has a path that she knows she wants to follow. but a big part of her don't want to go down this path. she wants to be alone. not be bounded by anything. by anyone. she wants to be her own self. going to places alone. meeting people along the way who would remember her for the rest of their lives but will never meet her again. she wants to drink all day. talk all night. drive out in the middle of the night and let the wind blow her hair. she wants to cry, weep, laugh, smile.

his tap on her shoulder shocked her from all these wants. and she comes back to the present. like a bird in the birdcage she is."