Friday, December 27, 2013

Loving someone.

"Life is fragile. Don't waste a moment holding grudges or worrying about the little things. Don't screw up amazing relationships with impulsive temptations. Don't be lazy. Be honest. Be bold. Most importantly, find somebody to love unconditionally." This is how the guy who took this picture live everyday. 

And recently I asked him if he's loving anyone unconditionally. And he said "Yes. You." Took me aback, really. That blunt honesty of his. "Even when you broke my heart, screwed me over and loved another guy I still love you. And even now, when you cannot find it in yourself to love anyone, not even me, I still love you. I love you, no matter how you are."

I cried. I know, it's stupid. But I cried listening to it, and now I'm crying while writing all this. He is the sweetest guy ever, and I never realized his feelings for me. Which is stupid. And ignorant. Yes, I'm ignorantly stupid.

I remember my best friend telling me how easy it is for people to fall in love with me, to like me; and how hard it is for me to accept the love, to love someone back. "What is it with you and not accepting people's love?" Yesterday a trainee who's interning in my restaurant asked me about the three guys who she knows that likes me and asks me if I like any of them back. And I said, yes, as friends. And, bless her 17-year-old soul, she asked if I 'like like' any of them. And at that point I just looked at her and shrugged. And then I went out with my friends, watched movies, laughed and went crazy while they smoked.

And to answer everyone who asked me if I'm really incapable of loving... No I'm not. I'm capable of loving. I'm just not capable of opening my heart that easily. Lol. That explains a lot don't it? I love all of you! :D

On a happier note (because I started off sounding sad even though I don't intend to)... Merry Belated Christmas everyone! This year I officially received three presents and three dinners. Not bad, Lynnie, not bad. HAHAHAHAHAHHA. Kthxbye.

Your mum reads my blog.
I'm screwed up.

Monday, December 9, 2013


Sitting here, in a very familiar house, surrounded by my family (and all its craziness), it is ironic how I feel like it's nothing ordinary. Even though I've been doing so for the past 18 years of my life before I left for KL. I'm so, so, happy I'm back here, even if it's just for three days. Worked for 12 days straight for it, so, yeah, yay!

"She was struck by the simple truth that sometimes the most ordinary things could be made extraordinary, simply by doing them with the right people." That is ringing true now.

And yet as much fun as I had today, I'm now... *yawns* sleepy. So, night everyone! I hope you guys had a happy weekend! :D

Your mum reads my blog.

Saturday, December 7, 2013

My fault.

I wrote things in my diary yesterday, in reference to another diary entry that I wrote a few weeks before, that explains the ruin of my relationship. Here I include both, for your reference, starting from the first one, which even le monsieur has read before, and I think led to him thinking he don't deserve me.

The entry weeks ago :
"All my life the only thing that I want to do is fly. To be free. But I realized that to fly, to be free, I must have wings. As I'm sitting here, all alone, drinking that cliche cup of Starbucks and finishing my novel, I realize that I really, really, do need wings to fly. And now I'm tearing up. This is pathetic. At least writing all this is helping me calm down. Last year wings grew on me. The freedom I had to do everything I want. How much I am alone but not lonely. How I go to random cafes and restaurants and discover random things and meet random people. How everyone else marveled at the lonely girl that I am. How I felt the freest in my whole life.

And then I started dating someone. And with that comes the disappearance of wings and dreams and freedom. For the first time after a few months of being free and alone and living life I became lonely. I became lonely because that reliance came. And when I started to rely on someone I lost my wings. I lost the wings I gained, the freedom I had. I am happy, yes. Really, really happy. But the despair that I feel when I'm sad because of him is nothing I've ever felt before. And I try to get away from him but that possessiveness, that reliance,... it's stopping me from doing that. A few months ago when the thoughts of taking a break occurred to me I became instantaneously depressed. I am a girl incapable of living her life with someone else, maybe? And yet, deep down, I am also that girl who craves for love, for attention, who wants to be loved."

The entry I wrote yesterday :
"Reading back on the things I wrote, the thoughts I had, I understand now why he felt that way. Why he feels like he cannot make me happy. Throughout our relationship I've been happy and sad at the same time. And I think that confused him. So much so that he blamed it all on himself. I wish I can explain to him how I feel. That there's two beings in me, one wanting to be loved and to love, while the other just want to be free, to leave this rut. I guess in a way it's called being depressed. He understood that I am that way, but he didn't understand why. He thought he could make me better. And he did... he made me so much better. What he don't know is that this thing... this thought... it attacks me like a rocket, mostly when I am alone. And it happens very, very suddenly. I would be basking in the happiness of being with him when suddenly this need to run away just pops out and ruin my happiness.

Starting my internship, and having him at the same time,... I took him for granted. Internship was my way of getting away, of being free, and he was my way of being loved. But these two things can never go well together. He had in him this fierceness of being in love, of wanting someone, and there were times when I couldn't stand it. And then there were times when I needed him, wanted him, and he couldn't be there. That led to fights, arguments, him not understanding me, me not understanding myself. Add to that equation someone who sparked things up because of his jealousy, his wanting to ruin our relationship... And there you have it... Things ended.

My whole life I try to not regret anything I do, to just accept that nothing could be changed. But I think this will be the one thing that I will have regrets for, forever. This whole taking him for granted. If I could turn back time, I would. I loved him, in all the wrong ways, and I regret that. I still love him now, and one comfort I can give myself is for the first time since our relationship started I am loving him right."

Thursday, December 5, 2013

How am I?

Okay... So after posting that post up I've been receiving countless emails and PMs and texts asking me how I am and how it happened and things like that. In two days. Whattatatatatatta. Lol. I didn't know so many people are concerned about me. Thanks guys, for all your worries and your well wishes and your being here for me.

I'm doing great, I'd say, considering the state I was in a week ago. Holding up, living life. Lol. I've been going out a lot (almost every day *gasp*), with people who believes that bringing me out will make me happier (and they're right!). Dinners, lunches, breakfasts, hanging out. Even if it's just for an hour after work or on the way back to my house in the lrt, I really appreciate everyone for making that effort. It's in times like this when I truly realize how much I need people around me.

And for no reason I've been getting to know a lot of new friends lately! *coughs* guys *coughs*. It's really ironic but for no reason people seem to know I'm single and I've been attracting a lot of attention. Which is weird, and putting me off cause I'm SO not ready for anything yet BUT I do like having loads of friends, so, it's okay. I've exchanged emails with people who approached me when I was reading by the fountains, people who approached me while I'm in the LRT, just random, random people.

As for how it happened... That's for me, him, mm, and a few of my trusted besties to know, eh? A lot of people have told me "he's such a dick", "it's his problem", and things like that. Do, do refrain yourself from saying that. I can say that throughout this whole year of being with him I've been truly, truly happy. And he taught me how to love, to not be afraid of what happened with my parents. And for that, I thank him, I really do. It's not entirely his fault (and I'll talk about my wrongdoings when I'm ready, in another post).

That's me. Ignore my eye bags, it's from me crying last week, I stopped crying for so long already but the bags are still there.

I just want to really, really thank everyone who's truly, genuinely concerned about me. Even those half-hearted how-are-yous are really, really appreciated ^^

Your mum reads my blog.
Take a deep breath.

Tuesday, December 3, 2013

Losing him.

"Anyone who has lost something they thought was theirs forever finally comes to realize that nothing really belongs to them." - Paulo Coelho

It's... been more than a week since it happened. I'm writing this because I feel the need to write, to talk about my feelings.

If you haven't figured it out by the title, I'll explain. Le monsieur broke up with me. This happened... Sunday last week. He had his reasons, and I respect them. Yes, it broke my heart. But there is nothing left for me to do. I've cried, begged, questioned... and I can't change anything. One thing I can credit him for is walking away after realizing he no longer had the same feelings for me he had a few months ago.

Of course I'd love for things to be perfect, for us to be together forever... But feelings change, and there's nothing I can do about it. I still feel the same way I feel for him, but he doesn't, so, yeah... I guess I just have to accept things. It's hard. That's one thing I have to say. It's really, really hard.

I'm doing alright, though. I cried for four days straight. And stopped crying ever since (a huge achievement, considering how much of a crybaby I am). I spoke to my mum, I spoke to my best friend who the last time I spoke to was a month ago, I spoke to my college besties, I spoke to my boss, I spoke to my colleagues,... And thanks to them (especially mm!) I feel so much better.

There was a really huge misunderstanding created by one of my acquaintance that caused a huge strain in our relationship, and I didn't know it until the acquaintance told him, and he told me. And knowing that even after finding out the truth nothing could change... That's sad. That's really, really sad.

One of the reasons he cited for leaving me is that he felt like he cannot make me happy, that he ruined my life, that he made me sad. I tried convincing him that that's not true, but he could't seem to get it in his head. He said that it wasn't just for that month where that acquaintance fucked things up, it was way, way before that. But I was happy. I really, really was.

I remember when reading Mitch Albom's book, a quote struck me, and I wrote it down. "Have you ever lost someone you love and wanted one more conversation, one more chance to make up for the time when you thought they would be here forever? If so, then you know you can go your whole life collecting days, and none will outweigh the one you wish you had back."

I'm glad I had that one last conversation. Did I fight for our relationship? I did. If you asked him, he'd tell you I did. I fought so badly, even after losing him. I fought. I met up with him. I talked to him. I called him. I skyped him. I cried. And I lost. I lost my fight. And with that loss, I lost him.