Thursday, May 29, 2014

Finnikin of the Rock

"'This hand says you spend the rest of your life with me,' he said, holding out his left hand, 'and this one says I spend the rest of my life with you. Choose.'
She bit her lip, tears welling in her eyes. She took both of his hands in hers and he shuddered. 'I will die protecting you,' he says.
There was a look of dismay on her face. 'Just like a man of this kingdom, Finnikin. Talking of death, yours or mine, is not a good way to begin a-'
Isaboe gave a small gasp when he leaped forward, his lips an inch away from hers. 'I will die for you,' he whispered.
She cupped his face in her hands. 'But promise me you'll live first. Because nothing we are about to do is going to be easy and I need you by my side.'"

"Then I choose to drown. In hope. Rather than float in nothing."

"'Tell me about the farm,' she pleaded as drops of blood began to appear on her hand.
'The farm?'
'The farm that Finnikin the peasant would have lived on with his bride.'
'Evanjalin. That was her name. Did I mention that?'
She laughed through a sob. 'No, you didn't.'
'They would plant rows upon rows of barley and wheat, and each night they would sit under the stars to admire what they owned. Oh, and they would argue. She believes the money made would be better spent on a horse, and he believes they need a new barn. But then later they would forget all their anger and he would hold her fiercely and never let her go.'
'And he'd place marigolds in her hair?' she asked.
He clasped her hands against his and watched her blood seep through the lines of his skin. 'And he would love her until the day he died,' he said."



Your mum reads my blog.
Read. Learn.

Tuesday, May 27, 2014

Take me for granted.

I'd like to be able to take you for granted once in a while. I'd like to be able to think that the moments where I wake up with you beside me, showering me with kisses, will last forever. I'd like to be able to scold you for waking me up in the middle of the night just to tell me you love me.

I'd like to be able to look into your eyes and believe that you really do love me. I'd like to be able to believe every word, every compliment, every criticism that comes out of your mouth. I'd like to be able to not doubt your words. I'd like to be able to not have that fear that you'll leave me eventually.

I'd like to be able to be confident enough to tell you I love you too.

I'd like you to be able to take me for granted. I'd like you to be able to be honest with me. I'd like you to be able to love me wholeheartedly. I'd like you to be able to not doubt my words, my past, my present. I'd like you to be able to trust me.

I'd like you to be able to be confident enough to tell me you really, really love me.

But I cannot. I cannot take you for granted. Because the next thing I know, you might start to slip away. And I will forever regret taking you for granted.



Your mum reads my blog.
Fall in love, over and over again.

Monday, May 26, 2014

Potential.

"What I've lost isn't a baby; or a child. Potential. I've lost potential. All the things about her that I will never, ever know. If she'd grow up to be just like me. If she'd have my ovalish face or his square jaws. If she'd be happy. And it kills me. It kills me every time I close my eyes."

She missed her period. Peed on a stick. Waited. Two lines.

She's torn. Keeping it is not an option; they've talked about it. Yes, they'd eventually want a baby together, but it's just the start of their lives now, and a baby will ruin it. But deep down there's a spot in her that wants to have it.

She's regretting. Those times where she'd think it's safe enough to not use protection, to time everything so that it'd be okay to not have safe sex. Those times when she let lust take over her own common sense.

But most of all, she's happy. She feels whole, completed. She finally found a direction in life, something to look forward to.

A visit to the doctor, an ultrasound, and a heartbeat later, she left with pure happiness. It was almost two months before she went to the doctor's, but she never really expected that heartbeat. She cried hearing it, and that gave her so much strength.

She's creating life. And for the first time since forever, she felt it. Joy, happiness. With each day is a realization that this baby will be so much more than she ever expected, so much more than she'll ever be. She have no conflicts, no regrets. She'll keep it. It doesn't matter if he don't want to take any responsibility, she'll raise him/her up alone. It doesn't matter if her family won't support her decision, she's strong enough for it. It doesn't matter if society shuns her for it, as long as she have this baby.

She never told anyone. Fear, maybe? Maybe she's trying to delay it until that point where when she told someone she won't have to abort because she no longer could. Or maybe until she starts to show?

And then that one day happened.

Waking up with a tremendous pain. Bleeding. An emptiness. And she knew. Even before she headed to the doctor and hear her saying "I'm sorry" she knew. And that was it. The end of something that barely begun. The lost of any potential.



Your mum reads my blog.
I would've given my all.

Saturday, May 24, 2014

Maybe.

"Maybe the problem is we fit so well that it is frightening. Better to jump out of a burning building than wither in the fire. Turn the gun before I could pull the trigger. Save yourself. Just in case. Maybe it got too serious too quickly. Maybe we moved too fast.

Or maybe I'm completely wrong. Maybe that's wishful thinking. Maybe you got exactly what you wanted and didn't need any more. Maybe you achieved your goal and that was it."

Saturday, May 17, 2014

Perceptions.

A nose job here, a cheekbone augmentation there, what would be next? Some forehead bone shaving, a double chin tuck, maybe? Upper lips mustache wax, for sure. Double eyelid surgery could be considered. Maybe some botox/collagen injection for the tiny crows feet and laugh lines forming? Liposuction in the future. 

I look at myself in a mirror and see someone beautiful. Well, beautiful enough in my eyes, anyways. Definitely not beauty pageant/top model worthy, and that's the harsh truth I'll admit. There are millions of girls out there more beautiful than I am. But in my eyes, I'm comfortable with how I look right now. 

But if you look into a mirror and am not happy with what you see, then by all means, do something about it! That is if you can afford it. If you feel like a higher nose will give you the confidence you need, do it. Just know that ultimately you have to really be comfortable in your own skin or all the surgeries in the world will not be able to do anything for you. 



Your mum reads my blog. 
Work it. 

Wednesday, May 14, 2014

Inhale.

Hug me. Take everything in. How I smell. How my hair tickled your face. How my height is just perfect for you to rest your head on mine. How I never want to let go. How I give your shoulder a kiss (or a bite). How you can wrap your hands around me and lift me up and make me laugh when you do that.

Look at me. Take everything in. How I have a one-sided dimple. How my nose is a bit curved from hitting the side of the door. How my hair falls and frames my face. How I have tiny tiny wrinkles forming. How the way I stand is a bit odd because my legs aren't equal in length.

Touch me. Take everything in. How my scars are healing and forming bumps on me. How my fats curves makes you want to ravish me. How my hair feels in your hands. How my hand fits perfectly in yours. How my lips tremble at your touch.

Because maybe, just maybe, there won't be a tomorrow for you to do all these.



Your mum reads my blog.
Getting away.

Tuesday, May 13, 2014

"Realizing that, despite loving someone truly and equally, sometimes relationships and people just don't work out, is devastating. You question everything. Yourself, the nature of those around you, the purpose and meaning of love and relationships and if everything you've ever read, seen or heard on the subject is true. For a time you feel alone in your misery, isolated and segregated from those happy people on the street, their hands entangled, and you wonder how you could've gotten it so wrong. How you could have wound up so broken and lost."

"And then one day, you will promise someone a premature 'I love you' because you want so badly for that to be true. However, love cannot be forced. You can make yourself say those words but you cannot make your heart feel something it does not. One day you will figure that out, but not before somebody gets hurt."

Sunday, May 11, 2014

Sunshine.

"For he used to call her his little sunshine, and now his sunshine was gone. A blackness fell upon him like a cloak. He turned dark and sad and could not see the good of anything." 



Your mum reads my blog. 

Friday, May 9, 2014

Magic.

"If you do not believe that hearts can bloom suddenly bigger, and that love can open like a flower out of even the hardest places, then I am afraid that for you the road will be long and brown and barren, and you will have trouble finding the light.

But if you do believe, then you already know all about magic."



Your mum reads my blog.
Because love is magic.

Thursday, May 8, 2014

Tell Her You Love Her.

Because there will be times when she feels insecure and all she needs is those three words to make her believe again.

Because you will not believe how happy you make her when you tell her that, even if it's just in a text.

Because she deserves to be loved.

Because the last thing you'd want to do is feed your ego and not tell her just 'cause.

Because someone else might do the deed and steal her heart away.

Because telling her you love her will make you feel like a better person.

Because you love her.



Your mum reads my blog.

Wednesday, May 7, 2014

Here's To You

"Here's To All The Stoners In My Life :

For introducing me to that crazy medication that beat all the antidepressants I was prescribed.

For proving to me that one can fly, and that unicorns and goblins exists.

For showing me that that one puff could actually make your problems go away (even if it's just for a few hours).

For giving me the courage to do those shitass things I wouldn't have done in my right mind.

For letting me that exhilarating feeling when time has past and my mind cleared up enough for me to go "where the fuck did that feeling went?"

For, ironically, making me appreciate my clear mind even more.

For keeping me entranced with the carefree ways all of you are living.

For exhausting yourselves from trying to keep up with my endless energy when you're high and I'm not, and all you want to do is lie there and chill.

For showering me with love and hugs and kisses and support and loyalty and happiness.

Here's to all the fucked up shits we will be doing in the future."



Your mum reads my blog.

Tuesday, May 6, 2014

That fear.

And it's back. The fear she has. That fear that she is ruining every single thing she loves, that her actions and words causes more harm than she thinks, that she is not worthy enough to be loved.

As they're arguing over things she wrote and feelings she have she wondered. Maybe it's her. Maybe she's so fucked up everyone around her will leave her all alone. Maybe she could never love, and be loved.

And so she cried. Because that's the only thing she can do.

Sunday, May 4, 2014

Midnight songs.

Whatsapp voice notes. Of her favorite songs. Because she told him how nice it is to have a guy serenade her. She fell asleep to the songs, All Of Me, Magic, When I Was Your Man... All this from a guy who's always been there for her. 

And yet there she is, hoping it was from someone else. Because even after releasing herself from her past, she still couldn't find it in herself to reciprocate the love he's giving her. Maybe there's another guy; maybe it's him; maybe it's her.

"He's the kind of boyfriend every girl would ask for. Why are you turning him down?" Is it enough of a reason, if she were to say, she's just following where her heart is leading her, no matter if she'll end up torn and tattered and heartbroken?



Your mum reads my blog. 
Invisible.