Monday, July 28, 2014

Be Crazy.

I remember I met with this crossroad in my life where I was torn between being who I am and who everyone else wants me to be. And me being lonely and stuffs and trying to fit in; I chose the latter. I became the person who everyone expected a girl to be. I was so grounded, personality wise. And gosh, that was torture. It was just me struggling to be someone who I'm not.

And then Reek fell in love with that girl. And there I was, holding on to that cute, sweet girl image for the 11 months we were together. And then I guess after that, it sort of became my sense of identity. I lost who I was, and I didn't know where to look for to find it back.

Then he came along. I remember him asking me what's still keeping me grounded, why I'm still acting like the person I'm not. My answer to him was easy : it's my comfort zone. Everyone loves that Lynnie; and I don't think anyone would love the actual Lynnie.

And then he gave me a lecture on how nice it is to stop being the lady that I try to be and start being crazy. That was sometime during February, I think. So here you are. Lynnie. Courtesy of the guy who never knew me before I faked everything. Funny how some people can just see through facades like they're made out of plastic.



Your mum reads my blog.
Am I glamorous?

Sunday, July 27, 2014

Thank You For Calling Me Fat

A perfect BMI. A healthy body. A good stamina. And I end up looking chubby, and by Asian standards, 'overweight'. Now, I start this piece mentioning my BMI because that's the standard, and the truth is, I'm normal. So normal, in fact, that doctors are happy of what they're seeing and is asking me to maintain my weight.

But then again, I'm in Asia. The land where girls are scrawny little matchsticks but is labelled sexy and curvy girls like me are frowned upon and is labelled as fat and unhealthy. Love handles, my ex used to call them.

The thing is, I've always been very comfortable with the way I look. Confident, even. I don't mind strutting in a bikini or anything that I want to wear (or nothing at all... just kidding XD). But people around me... well damnit the way they criticize is as if me being the way I am is going to give them eye cancer or something. I was involved in some modeling gigs lately and trust me, it was a competition that I joined for fun and never expect to win but turns out I got into the finals.

I've never intentionally went around and introduce myself as a model. I've never intended to showcase my 'beauty' in that sense. All I've ever wanted is the freedom to be comfortable in my own skin. To have guys who will love me (fats and all) for who I am. To be able to be Lynnie without having someone say "that girl is fat".

Honestly though, I owe all of you a word of gratitude. Thank you for calling me fat. For making me see how evil girls actually are towards each other. For showering me with 'support' and 'love'. For proving to me that looks matters so much for guys. For not accepting me so that I will appreciate those people who love me for who I am. For rejecting me because I'm fat so that I'm able to learn how to handle rejection well. Thank you, thank you thank you thank you. I still hate you though.



Your mum reads my blog.
Got enough on my mind.

Saturday, July 26, 2014

What I'd Like To Be Able To Do

I'd like to be able to tell you I like you and yes I want to grab a beer and have a drink and listen to you tell me what you think my problem is and how you knew I have problems in the first place.

I'd like to be able to be brave enough to go to your place without worrying that I might get into trouble or you might get into trouble or we might get into trouble together (gasp!).

I'd like to be able to think that all of it will be worthwhile because I'm Lynnie, and I bend the rules, and I'm attracted to older guys, and I want to have some fun, and I want to take the leap, and I want to just do what I want to do.

I'd like to be able to defend you when people warn me about who you are, how much you flirt, how there are others before me, how I'd be a victim, how I'm being played. But the truth is, I don't really mind. I trust you enough to naively think that it's not true, but even if it is, gosh, it's not that big of a deal duh.

I'd like to be able to try to understand who you are as a person instead of the person I know you as. I'd like to be able to treat you as a friend, a peer, someone I look up to, even.

I'd like to be able to jokingly call you my scandal like I did to all the other people who came close to actually becoming scandals for me.

Oh, lord. That's so many things I'd want to do with you. So many things I can't do with you. So many emotions and experiences I'm missing out on. Oh well. C'est la vie.



Your mum reads my blog.
A dollar and a dime.

Friday, July 25, 2014

An Open Letter to The Guy Who Told Me Sacrifice Is Inevitable In Love

Dear Mr. Hunter,

Remember when you told me that in love, sacrifice is inevitable? That there will be a point in your relationship where you'd have to sacrifice for love? Well, the truth is, I think you're wrong, and it's time for you to think of yourself and be selfish for once.

Now, don't get me the wrong way. I'm not saying that there's anything wrong in sacrificing your needs for someone else. Heck, I fell for that part of you. The part of you who was willing to drop everything just to help a friend in need. That caring soul behind the brick wall facade you always, always have on.

But have you thought that maybe, just maybe, it's time for you to put your own needs ahead of everyone else's? To be a tad selfish? It's ironic, though, when I got around to thinking of your whole concept of sacrificing for love. Are they really sacrifices? Or are they more of a compromise everyone will eventually go through when they're in relationships?

Maybe this is the exact reason why you said I'm not worthy of your emotional investment, because the truth is, I really am not. Having done so much sacrificing in the past, I'm tired. I'm tired of putting everyone else above me. I'm tired of having to prioritize. I'm tired of sacrificing what makes a human human : their freedom.

But you, hunter, well.... You're so much more complicated than just sacrifices and selflessness. I remember you telling me I'd never understand life the way you do, that I'd never get it. And I guess you're right. Maybe I never will. But one look at you and I can tell you this : I can see how torn you are. You are so torn in being "a good person, a good friend, a good companion, a valuable asset",... you're missing out on all of the opportunities that life could offer someone as magnificent as you. I remember halfway through being with you, thinking how you are so busy sacrificing your own needs for everyone else's that the facade you have on is getting thicker by the day.

So here's a toast. A toast to you. And a toast to the girl who will understand you and your outlook in life. That girl who is worth all the emotional investment you can invest in her (and more). Here's a toast to the sacrifices I can never make, and the sacrifices that you will always make.

Wednesday, July 9, 2014

When You Let Go of The Wrong Person.

I woke up in the morning and there it was : a text from a friend. "After months of trying to convince myself I made the right decision breaking up with her, I think it's time for me to say that I'm wrong." This is for you, Melvin.

So you broke up with her. It doesn't matter what the reason is; it might be as insignificant to me as it is significant to you. But you two broke up, and you 'moved on'. You ignored her messages, her calls. You went out, tasted your new found freedom, hooked up with girls, got high with your bros, got wasted, went away. Coming back, you heard them talking about how the breakup affected her, and you don't bother.

A few months pass. She moved on, you moved on. You're with someone now, someone you think makes you happy. From what you heard, she's still alone, though she seems so much happier than when you two first broke up. And then you see her. And all the memories come rushing back. You miss her. Her touch, her smile, the way she took care of you, the way she talked to you. And then you realize something : you still love her. You made the wrong decision letting her go.

But you see her, all happy without you, and you think you ought to just let things go, to let her live her life. You're pulled back by the fear that you'll hurt her all over again. You think you caused her too much pain to take your decision back. And there you are, rotting in regret.

You know what I think you should do? You should stop finding girls who you hope would make you as happy as she did. You should start winning back the girl who you know will make you happy. You should tell her how you feel. Get a slap or two, but hear what she feels. If she really don't have anything for you, move on. There'll be a lot more of her to come in the future. But at least you wouldn't live through every relationship wishing you told her how much you actually love her.

And if she has feelings for you, then congratulations. Mend things. Don't repeat the mistakes you did in the past. Appreciate her. Love her. If eventually, it doesn't work for whatever different reasons, then you will also know, that you tried, and you gave the relationship a second chance, and you two truly aren't meant to be with each other.



Your mum reads my blog.
Because I can't fix him.

Monday, July 7, 2014

Short-lived Romances.

Sometimes I think I'm going crazy, judging by how happy I've been feeling this past few days. I think this is what it feels to really, truly obtain freedom. This exhilaration might end soon, but, hey, I'm enjoying it while I can :P

This is why I love short-lived romances. It's a pity, the whole breaking up when there's still so much potential to 'us'. But then it's also eye-opening, giving you a push that you wouldn't have had. It's inspiring, knowing that you can actually move on from the person who broke your heart and fall for someone else. And, surprisingly, him leaving brought me so many new people, new friends. New guys. Heh.

Now I truly believe there are some people who are just pit stops in your life. They appear, they let you rest while teaching you some worthy life lessons, then they leave, because it's time for you to go. Reek, Melv, Patrick, Jordan, Karim, D,... all these guys opened my eyes in so many ways. These stepping stones, impulsive romances, crazy getaways, hormones, pitiful companions, smoke-up partners they all gave me a different chapter in my book, and I'm so, so thankful for their presence.

Heartbroken, breaking hearts, mutual heartaches. These things has to happen to everyone eventually, and I'm truly glad I felt most of it now. I might never get the fairy tale that every girl craves for, but fairy tales are boring, predictable. I'd much rather be able to steal kisses, hugs, experiences and memories while giving them in return. Because I am Lynnie, after all.



Your mum reads my blog.
Give it to me.

Saturday, July 5, 2014

Revenge.

When it all happened I told myself I won't write about it, that it wouldn't matter to anyone, that I won't want to tarnish my blog with more of my rants about things that has happened and has ended. But here I am, finding comfort, wanting to write.

"Knowing that there's nothing she can do to have him back, she's letting go of the hunter. Gave him back that one thing that has been helping her feel safe throughout this whole ordeal, walking away with tears in her eyes, not wanting to ruin the whole facade she had on.

And then she contacted him. Damien. That one person who ruined everything for her, who has been in control of her life, her actions, her reactions. She held on to her facade, sounding like the person she always is, when deep down, the only thing she has inside is hatred, and the need for revenge.

She told him what he wants to hear. She's wrong, he's right; the hunter left her, she has no one now, can she meet him? And they did. They patched things up, like nothing has ever happened, like they were the friends that they were before he ruined his life.

At first, he was suspicious, naturally. He wondered why she didn't hate him, why she acted so normal. She had her reasons. She told him she don't have anyone anymore, that he's the only person she could lean on to, and will he help her move on with life? Knowing him and his ego, she kept feeding it, until he was convinced.

And then there's that day. He had enemies, people like him always have enemies. They always think things will go their way, that they're safe and sound and nothing can ever go wrong. But what if the person who you trust the most switched sides without you knowing? He never trusted her, but there was one person who he really trusted who helped her plot everything.

Everything happened so fast. The accident, the being dragged out all groggy, the waking up to concerned looks, the relief in seeing him all beat up and lying there. She wanted to ask him why, she always have. She needed that closure. She waited for him to wake up, ignoring the throbs in her head and the ache in her body.

And when he did, she looked him in the eyes, and asked him why. Why did he have to ruin everything in her life. "Because I can." And that was it. The closure that she needed. The freedom to spread her wings and fly away. She looked at his former best friend, "You can have him now." She turned her back and walked away, and upon hearing the sound of the shot being fired, turned to see the light dim in his eyes. And strangely enough, she felt nothing. No remorse, no pain, no sadness.

She's paying for that, that nothingness she felt, only because it scared her that she felt nothing. But she's not worried. She's free.

Because I am no longer the other woman; I belong to myself."

Just a day.


This feels weird... Talking about my day-to-day life. To think I used to be able to do all these (and more) without feeling weird, lol. Anyways, went out the other day with Javier, thought I could write about it, but realized there's nothing much to write because this is what I do all the time, lol. Go out, eat, watch movies, shop for a bit, go home...

The pictures are just a snippet of the things we do. Went shopping for, erm, basic stuffs so nothing to write about there. :P

But I could end my post with an OOTD!
Dress : Random shop in Asian Avenue, Sunway Pyramid
Shoes : Payless

Heh.



Your mum reads my blog.
Take a picture.

Friday, July 4, 2014

Change.

That's my hair one week ago, and that's my hair now. Huge change. Dyed my hair for the first time, cut it short, all this done last Saturday. It was part of something huge in my life that I can't really talk about right now, but I will definitely update everyone once I get the green light! Only a few friends and family know what it's about, so, yeah...

Anyways. Just wanted to tell everyone about the new change. I actually updated my Facebook and Instagram about it, but I couldn't really fully abandon this blog, no? I have to admit there are a few cobwebs here and there. Gosh having no laptop for, like, 2 months (?) made me this way. It's never nice to update this blog with the school comp, what with everyone staring and all...

But that's gonna change! Just like my hair! I hope I can blog more now that I have my laptop back (along with a new mouse to boot!). I also finally refound my DSLR so yay me! Haha. XOXO!



Your mum reads my blog.
Your light is bright as ever.