Monday, September 22, 2014

Allowing.

Allow your heart to fall for someone.
Allow someone to fall for you.
Allow your soul to feel total happiness.
Allow your eyes to weep tears of sorrow. Or joy.
Allow the people around you an entry to the deepest, darkest corners of your heart.
Allow yourself to connect with other people.
Allow yourself to feel, to emote.
Allow your body the freedom of being able to dance around in the rain.
Allow your smile to radiate through you, touching others.
Allow yourself the release of saying goodbye, the acceptance that some people just aren't meant to be there.
But most of all, allow yourself to just be.

Thursday, September 18, 2014

Stagnant.

*Again, written months ago, when I had the inspiration, and the crazy urges to write*

Two months ago, I kept hoping again and again to get out of this crazy, downwards 'rut' that I am in, to be free, to be able to do things that I want to do, to meet people, to dance, to laugh, to go crazy. I felt like I wasn't going anywhere, even when I was interning, that my life is going down this path that leads to a damned soul. I think I most probably was having an identity crisis, but it certainly took its toll on me. It was hard for me to be happy, or at least satisfied. I was constantly breaking down, having anxiety attacks because I felt like I was living a life I swore I'd never live. A life where nothing is worth looking forward to, a dull, dreary affair.

But then a few days ago it struck me. Being stagnant actually led to all these ripples I'm having now, and I finally learned to appreciate that few months of soulless living. My life is most probably heading back to stagnant waters, since I'm going back to that boring, old routine of university life. But then maybe I can inject some excitement into it, eh? *shrugs* I don't know... I need a car. Lol.

I remember talking about all this to my friend. And he told me that after hearing all these, one big thing he admires about me is I did not choose to go down the path of destruction after having swayed to the wrong road once. It would've been easy, going into drugs and alcohol, because of all the people I am surrounded by, the place I'm in; but I chose not to, and he said that that was a huge achievement. (Then I basked in my pride by jokingly saying maybe I did go down that path. That led to a raised eyebrow by said friend. Hahahahaha. I didn't, btw. XD)



Your mum reads my blog.
Playing every game.

Wednesday, September 10, 2014

Rebounds.

*wrote this months ago, I ended up not having anything going on with the guy mentioned XD*

"I don't want to be in a relationship with you because I don't want to be your rebound. And I don't want you to be my rebound either." When he said that to me I couldn't stop laughing. To think that the though of being in a relationship with him didn't even cross my mind. XD And then I asked him how long it'd take until he thinks that he's not my rebound. And he said "not until you get a rebound and dump that rebound."

Gosh. Guys' logic. It's like when I say I'm over my breakup and no one believes me. He said that it might take me a year or so. And I was like "what the hell are rebounds anyways?" And here's his definition (in written form because he 'needed time to think about the correct definition') :

"A rebound is someone who you date to get over the previous person (or some other previous person) who broke your heart. Your feelings towards that rebound is menial, to say the least. It doesn't have to be intense, nor does it have to be there at all. If that person is there for you after your breakup, and there's a mixture of chemistry and lust, and you let him be there for you, and you rely on him to get over your heartache, then there's a high chance he'll be your rebound. You might think you're falling for him, but the truth is, you're falling for that security of having someone to lean onto, the comfort of knowing that even after someone else stopped being in love with you there's another guy out there who is in love with you.

You'll use him, and if this whole rebound thing is not mutual, he'll let himself be used (without using you in return). He'll love you, care for you, and yet throughout the whole relationship you'll be hoping that this guy is the guy who left you. You'll think about the times you had with your ex, threading over memories like it's a fragile glass string, wanting to recreate the memories just so you could remember, or forget, or remember to forget.

I'm not saying rebounds are bad, Lynnie. There are instances where people realize their true feelings towards someone they know after they leave the relationship that they were in (and I know this hurts, but your ex is a good example). But you were dumped. And most of us saw how heartbroken you were. Yes, you're so much happier now than you were towards the end of your relationship, but are you as happy as when you were in that relationship? Are you ready to be in a relationship?"

I laughed out loud, after reading the whole thing. It's funny because to tell you the truth, the thought of being in a relationship so soon after a breakup never occurred to me. Seeing how much I love being single and alone, I might never be in a relationship with someone (unless he's busy with his own life and am willing to let me have my own freedom while we're together). But then again, seeing how easily it is for me to fall for people, and how I seem to easily rely on people for comfort and love and security, I might get back into a relationship. Note the might. But one thing's for sure : I'm definitely not going to let that person be a rebound.



Your mum reads my blog.
Your hands. Your touch.

Two Years.

For the past two years of my diploma, I've learned to love, to hurt, to laugh, to cry, to  live. And none of it would've happened without the people that appeared (and stayed) in my life. Call it fate, call it a mere coincidence, call it me being lucky to have them in my life. But I am. I am lucky to have all of them leaving a mark, be it small enough I rarely ever think about it, or big enough to cause a violent repercussion.

To my family : thank you. Well, what can I say? Thanks for the financial support XD. Okay, fine, not just that. Thanks for the emotional support as well. The being concerned, the paying for me to fly back when I had my heartbroken, the driving over when I lost my phone, the taking care of me when I was sick. The tears shed when you dropped me off in KL for the first time, the smile formed every time I came back. I love you all.

To the friends who might or might not have directly been there : thank you. For listening to me, for being there for me, for laughing with me, for being concerned about me, for befriending me. I've always been an introvert, always preferring to be alone, never wanting to open up to people who I think wouldn't be a constant factor in life, but that changed when I met all of you. Endless streams of movies, meals, coffees, desserts, shishas, alcohols, games, tears, laughs, anger; situations that will impact our lives in a way where none of us will ever remember about it.

To the two lovers I had (and the few other scandals) : thank you. For loving me; for leaving me; for teaching me how to love, to accept myself, to accept someone else in life; for allowing me to live on my own by setting me free. I have always been a skeptic, and though neither of you managed to kill that skepticism (in fact, I think some of you managed to make it worst), I now have faith. In love, and in my ability to love and be loved. **

To the lecturers who taught me : thank you. I don't know what to say, lol. I think I might be one of the noisiest, nosiest, thinks-she-knows-it-all student you've ever had. Never one to study, I hope I didn't make anyone's life a living hell (like how I know some students do). You guys taught me more than what's taught in the course structure : some of you taught me how to savor the little things in life, most of you taught me how to respect, to listen, to ask, to understand. A few even went to the extent that lead to my blossoming to the lady that I am now.

They say words can't express much, and indeed it can't. But here's a text of words of gratitude nonetheless, from the girl (or lady) who is embarking on another journey in life.



Lynnie A.

Monday, September 8, 2014

Writer's block.

23 unfinished drafts... I can't seem to write about anything these days (except, maybe, my inability to write). My mind is just so distracted, so... scattered. No thoughts are sound enough, no feelings linger long enough. I type, I delete, I retype, delete, edit, stop typing. It's just not flowing. I seem to be able to do better with a pen and paper nowadays than this keyboard. Oh well. I guess I just need to find my mojo all over again, no?



Your mum reads my blog.
Except for you.