Friday, March 6, 2015

Me and you

"I was fortunately in my mid 20s when I arrived at this moment. The very minute my wife said "I do" I stopped caring what anyone else in the world thinks.

I'm lucky that my wife is just as silly and as weird as I am. For instance the occasional duel for who makes dinner with nerf guns. We go see anything that's under $40 for the two of us. (For example, sumo wrestling or professional bull riding)

We have a lot of fun together. And I wouldn't give it up for anything in the world."

I read this in an AskReddit thread some time ago, and wrote it down because of how I felt when I read it. "THIS. This is what I want between me and my boyfriend."

I'm not a perfect person. I have so, so many downs, more so than my ups are. I have tantrums equivalent to that of a 4-year-old. I lack responsibility in certain aspects of my life. I am lazy, I am a procrastinator, I sometimes hate everyone (and everything) around me. Sometimes I go crazy, sometimes I am just sad, sometimes I am not even there.

I don't want to be showered with the numerous expensive gifts that other people shower their girlfriends with. I don't want to be pampered with a luxurious dinner that I'd feel so awkward eating the appetite is all gone. I don't want a large bouquet of roses, or a new phone, or an expensive getaway to places I've never been to.

All I want is plain, pure, honest love. And apparently, in this world, that's too much to ask for. I want someone to love me, bruises and all. I want someone to be able to not care what the world thinks about us as long as we're together. I want someone who's willing enough, comfortable enough to spend the rest of their lives at our own pace.

Someone who wants the same things I want in life, someone who wants to spend time the same way I want to. I want someone who won't easily give up on me. Who would be able to give me a definite answer when I ask him to. Who would have me pop up randomly in their mind and cause them to smile even though they're busy and tired at work.

I want someone who is always excited to see me. I want someone who, knowing the secret wanderlust in me, make plans once in a while to bring me to places, creating new memories for ourselves. Someone who's able to drag me out of the house despite my cries of wanting to immerse in my depression and sleep/cry/cuddle.

Is this not achievable? Am I asking too much? Is this why him and I fight so much, all the time? Is this why now, as I'm waiting for an answer for him, my heart is sinking, further and further, dreading that the answer is not what I want it to be? Is this why I'm sobbing my hearts out? Why I feel like I'm ruining his life so much just by being myself?

I wish I could tell him all this in person. But alas, I've always been one who never ever show her emotions to people face to face. I find it easier to be crying behind my screen, fingers shivering, struggling to type out words that haunts my thoughts. Hoping he'd read this and understand what I'm asking for. What I want.

Mr. Anonymous, are you someone who is there for me, and wants me to be there for you too? Or are you just someone who's simply there?

Your mum reads my blog.
Don't hesitate to let me fall.

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