Friday, April 3, 2015

That third person

Cheating. An occurrence that (usually) signifies the end of a relationship, or at least the degrading of one. There are instances where guys cheat and no one ever finds out. And then there are instances where they cheat and all hell broke loose.

I've been there. Never cheated on anyone, but I've been cheated on. Once, twice, who's counting anymore? It sucks, of course, to know that that someone who you trusted was able to disregard you enough to be with someone else while texting you, saying hey, I love you. It sucks even more because no one seems to care about that broken heart. When he ended up being with her, you'd smile and convince yourself that they're a better fit when deep down, inside, you're dying, sinking.

But that's never the end. You move on. Whatever he did will no longer hurt you, and you sincerely wish them the best, though you'd much rather not have to face him in class every day.

Sometimes... sometimes things don't end. Sometimes he did it to you, and then he apologized, and you'll take him back. And this is where the perception splits. The guy thinks that since he's forgiven, that the girl should mention nothing about the past, or distrust him in any way. For the girl... it's a bit more complicated than that. Every "I love yous" brings doubt to her mind, flashbacks to the hurt he caused, the deep, dark memories that seems to haunt her every move. She loves him, she truly do. But it's always hard to move on. Maybe, after a year, or two, when he's finally able to prove himself... Maybe then she'll be able to let go.

I've also been that third person. Once, twice, thrice... Let's not go there. To all those people who think that I've no guilt, that's not true. The first time it happened, I did it because I was lonely, because he was there, because there was nothing more to it other than companionship and having someone by my side. The second time it happened with someone else, I did it because I love him. When things happen I choose to not think about the other half. The person who I'm inflicting pain upon. It works, for a while. Then I hear things. They broke up. It's a relieve when it's an amicable break up, to know that I was the third person in a relationship that is almost in shambles. But it's never nice when the girl would go on a rant about (you) without knowing who she's talking about.

I'll admit it. All those times, I was a selfish bitch. I chose to put myself over others. I chose to think that although she didn't deserve it, I'm giving her a glimpse of who that person she's with is. She might have never known about my existence, but I definitely knew about hers. And I consciously decided to ignore her presence in his life. I would love to apologize, but I know that they'd much rather me not.

Now that I'm with the person who cheated with me, it's like a backslap in the face. I can't seem to fully grasp the concept of trusting him. You know the saying, "if he cheated on his girlfriend with you, he will definitely cheat on you"? That scares me. It scares me to death knowing that one day, karma will come and bitch slap me in the face, leaving me breathless, broken, scarred, all over again. And instinctively, I'm shying away. Away from the relationship, slowly sheltering myself, for fear of getting hurt.

Karma's a bitch, and I'm about to get caught in its war.