Friday, April 1, 2016

His words

"I know there's no such thing as forever, and there will always be endings. Miniature deaths. Practice rounds for the final ending, but let us not be morbid now... now... because life is to know love, and to know its slow peel away from my bones.

I will miss these people as one who misses strangers with whom one has small talk on the train every day, their lack of presence causing but a mere ripple in the totality of a life, but the ripple is perceived, and felt, all the same.

I should be missing her the most, but perhaps I've had enough lead time to prep for the separation. We both knew it was coming; who initiated it, and why, was and remains irrelevant, because endings, even when seen approaching from a distance, hurt all the same. They resonate, they ripple, they reverberate out into the years ahead, long after the ending arrived, and made itself known, and caused the usual, predictable damage.

Damage. What damage? I feel fine. I'm okay. This is what I wanted. The relationship needed to end, and here we are... at this hour, with her somewhere, and I'm here in her apartment - our apartment for a moment in time.

Damage. What damage? My heart is not broken. I am not alone. I am not facing the future without the hope, the prospect, of yet another partnership, perhaps the final partnership, the one I've required this entire time.

Damage. Yes, there is damage. I've had to watch her sob and feel powerless to console her - the villain can't be the hero at the same time.

I wish it didn't have to end like this. Like - what?

Like - with palpable silence, the kind which makes one wonder if she's invisible if she even exists in his eyes, while he seems completely detached from that which he cares for so deeply - according to him.

Like - with desperation, with pleas to stay, even if the words were never said; beggary shows itself on the skin, wafting from the pores, much like alcoholism.

Like - I've paid closer attention to the older black men on the train, on the platform pissing, crossing the street desperate for something, sitting in cafes, all without wedding bands, some without kids, and I'm scared to death of growing old and alone.

Endings make room for beginnings. I see the tiny cycles occurring from day to day. How the end of a relationship is a rupture, a split, and maybe something new will grow forth from the fracture - or not - but I tend to the wound anyway. The wound is mine. It is a new geographical point on my body. A new city on my skin.

The end is never silent. It is near silent, almost pitch black. I think of the train tunnel leading into Penn Station, the way it's completely dark, but not quite as a few lights whiz by. The steel wheels thump and hum underneath the train, and strangers whisper behind you, or rustle newspapers, or stand as their backs creak and knees creak. The end reminds me of a body slowly aging, and randomly hurting; it is the cognitive dissonance of knowing this is the end, even as the train pulls into the station, and with an exhale, you see life is head of you, still.

Trying too hard

She has always been that girl who tries damn hard for everything that she wants, who'd put people through hell with her stubbornness just so she could have things. Sometimes she hurts herself in the process; sometimes she hurts others. Her belief that nothing in this world cannot be achieved if you try hard enough has caused her so much pain, so much self-worth lost in the lines of trying too hard.

And it's evident when everything in her life starts to fall apart. Her trying too hard, ironically, seems to not be enough at all. Her guy walked away from her life, her best friend died in an accident, her results plummeted, she's stressed out from work, her health is deteriorating, her life was just in shambles. Every morning she woke up and told herself that if she tried hard enough, everything will be okay, everything will get better, but it never did get better.

Her wanting to make him happy meant her trying too hard to push him away, or forcing him to make decisions, her indecisiveness, her trying too hard to get an answer, she needs an answer. Her constant replaying of her best friend's last voice note to her didn't bring him back, and she tried so hard to forget, to not think about him, and all it brought was just memories and dreams and hopes 

Her trying hard to distract herself from life by working hard just caused her too much stress that she don't sleep, she can't sleep. She busied herself so much she lost any sense of passion for her work, and she just drifted day by day, "trying hard" to work hard.

And then her health... what happened to that? Between work and life and forgetting and remembering she truly, truly lost herself. She allowed herself to deteriorate to the point where her body is struggling to keep up, and it's like her body is self destructing, screaming at her to stop. trying. so. hard.

And then her therapist told her to go back to reading, and writing, and it helped. All the time she took to read and write made her pause and think about life, and she realized in the midst of making everything perfect she lost sight of all the beautiful imperfections around her.

So she stopped. She started accepting him as just friends, nothing more, nothing else. She stopped beating herself up whenever she thought about her best friend, and started embracing the tears and the sadness that envelops her. She stopped trying extremely hard to seem happy and cheerful and instead, just started to let her emotions fall through, even if it meant letting everyone see her facade and realize that something is wrong with her.

There are so many things that she can't control. Getting her heart broken, losing someone in her life, random acts of meanness and kindness, dying,... And so she's letting things be.

"At some point you will realize that you have done too much for someone, that the only next possible step to do is to stop. Leave them alone. Walk away. It's not like you're giving up, and it's not like you shouldn't try. It's just that you have to draw the line of determination from desperation. What is truly yours will eventually be yours, and what is not, no matter how hard you try, will never be."


Your mum reads my blog.

Tuesday, March 29, 2016

After having been torn apart about it for a few days, she decided to tell Dan what happened between her and him, and the subsequent clash of feelings and emotions that they both experienced, that she's experiencing right now.

"So now you're here, waiting for his answer, one you'd been hoping would be what you wanna hear; but his answer should be one with a higher possibility of not what you want to hear."

......

"First things first, I'm pretty sure when he came and met you he had no intentions, at all, to rekindle any romance that happened between you two. In fact, I'm 110% sure that his intentions were purely to reconnect as friends. Maybe he felt like he still had feelings for you, and the point of this meeting is for him to reassure himself that he made the right decision, and that his feelings for you are just based on past memories, and this meeting will further echo his thought of not wanting to be with you.

And that's why he mentioned not wanting to be in a relationship so many times throughout your lunch with him. Maybe he felt something stir in his heart and he's just trying to reassure himself that he's happy being single, that his life cannot go on with someone like you by his side. Or maybe he's just telling you the truth. He doesn't want to be in a relationship, not now, and not any time soon. Maybe meeting you didn't cause him to feel anything, at all.

And when every time he look away you stare at his side profile to remember the way his eyes crease when he smiles, the way his beard used to give you those beard rashes, how you used to lie your head on his shoulders, and hold his hand while walking through the grocery store,... While you're doing all those, maybe he never did it to you. Maybe he looks at you and he truly sees you as a friend, as someone who he can talk to and laugh with, but that's that.

When he offered to carry you like how he promised he'd do to you even when you're old, when you koala hugged and you looked into his eyes and his eyes were different than how it was in the grocery store, maybe then he truly had that spark. Maybe he realized "shit, I still love this girl." Or maybe you thought too much. You have a tendency to do that, don't you? Maybe that look was just a glance back to the past you used to have, but in his mind, there's nothing about a future with you, it's just merely a past.

And then you placed him into that situation. When you told him you'd like to kiss him but you're afraid he pushed you away and he told you what if he didn't maybe he was truly curious. He asked you a question, "wouldn't it be more awkward?", and you decided to challenge him, to push his boundaries. That... that made you a bitch.

And then after everything that wasn't supposed to happen happened he held you in his arms and he didn't wanna let you go, and you, that selfless, selfless you, thought of how he suffered when he was with you and how happy he is now and you asked him to let you go. You said things to remind him why he left in the first place, to convince him that leaving you is the best choice, that going on is the worst choice he could make. You kept asking him to let you go, to let you go to the toilet, knowing that that's your first step to helping him make the decision to not have anything to do with you. Then you tell him that no matter what you'll be fine... Will you be fine, honestly?

You asked him if he still love you, and he was silent, and that silent could've been a yes, but then that silence most probably was just him contemplating how to tell you he doesn't without hurting your feelings more than he already did.

But now... now you told him the truth about you being sick and even if he actually decided to end things do you think he'd tell you when everyone around you is worried about this girl who is vomiting blood and getting dizzy spells, whose appetite drastically went down til she only eats a meal a day? Do you think he'd have the heart to tell you that he doesn't want any of these?

And you tell him so much of your feelings and yet you miss out on telling him so many things. All because you choose to not be selfish.

So now you're here......."

Thursday, February 18, 2016

Heartaches

"i'm not giving up, just letting go"

Sunday, February 14, 2016

Together

"There was a feeling of inevitability when i met you. the sense that we would be together; that there would be a moment when you would look at me in a certain way, and we could cross the threshold from friendship into something so much more.

we spoke once about lovers who kept finding each other, no matter how many times the world came between them. and i think i had to break your heart, and you had to break mine. how else could we know the worth of what we were given?

i think you were always meant to know me a little better than anyone else. and our lives were fated to converge like some cosmic dance. i know there is a terrible distance between us. but our bodies are made of celestial light, and we are hurtling through space and time, towards the most beautiful collision.

I will never be

"i know that i will never be and never fill and never equal the love you have for the ones that hold you there. i know i will never say the right words or know the right songs or understand the right ways to hold your heart to make anything resemble ok.

i know i am not enough, and now, maybe now, i know that i have never been enough and just developed a keen and interesting ability to convince myself that i was. i have never been enough and i do not know why but this time, THIS time, that hurts worse than any other time. i see your mouth to say the words that has nothing to do with me and only has everything to do with them but i cannot believe it and i look for the truth inside it but i am sorry to tell you it does not live there.

my three words belong to you as they always have, so reach out your shaking hands and i will rest them gently upon them. three words: i love you. and 5, if i had 2 more to spare: i will always love you.

Don't

"Don't love me. don't. just don't.

for i may not remember the year you were born, or the exact address of that place we first met, or your phone number, or what color was your shirt yesterday, or how many friends you have, or their names, or how long you and your ex had been together, or even her name. i may not remember these details, maybe it's because i didn't care much and i am really sorry for that.

but i will surely remember how you made me feel the first time i ever saw you.

i will indeed remember how my stomach twirled and turned the first moment you talked to me. i will remember how our first small talk, first chat, first phone call went. i will definitely remember all those signs that bestow glimpses of hope, all those words that gripped me together and further my wishes and expectations for us.

i will absolutely remember the exact way you loved me and made me feel worthy.

i will remember how you recall every important detail in my life. i will remember how you glanced at me then smiled so beautifully then told me that when you look at me, all you see is the rest of your life right before your very eyes. i will remember that time you confide your desire to live the rest of your life with me - to marry me and build a life with me. i will remember that moment you conceded that you don't know how you would recover your life if ever you'd lost me. i will remember how you genuinely loved me.

With that, however, i will also remember how every constituent of my body vibrated and echoed that excruciating pain. i will utterly remember how broken i am (still), along with all your broken promises.

i will remember perfectly how it ravaged every beautiful element inside me; how you destroyed me.

because i will always remember all these, like burns engraved in my chest, in my mind, and right through my bare soul.