Thursday, February 18, 2016

Heartaches

"i'm not giving up, just letting go"

Sunday, February 14, 2016

Together

"There was a feeling of inevitability when i met you. the sense that we would be together; that there would be a moment when you would look at me in a certain way, and we could cross the threshold from friendship into something so much more.

we spoke once about lovers who kept finding each other, no matter how many times the world came between them. and i think i had to break your heart, and you had to break mine. how else could we know the worth of what we were given?

i think you were always meant to know me a little better than anyone else. and our lives were fated to converge like some cosmic dance. i know there is a terrible distance between us. but our bodies are made of celestial light, and we are hurtling through space and time, towards the most beautiful collision.

I will never be

"i know that i will never be and never fill and never equal the love you have for the ones that hold you there. i know i will never say the right words or know the right songs or understand the right ways to hold your heart to make anything resemble ok.

i know i am not enough, and now, maybe now, i know that i have never been enough and just developed a keen and interesting ability to convince myself that i was. i have never been enough and i do not know why but this time, THIS time, that hurts worse than any other time. i see your mouth to say the words that has nothing to do with me and only has everything to do with them but i cannot believe it and i look for the truth inside it but i am sorry to tell you it does not live there.

my three words belong to you as they always have, so reach out your shaking hands and i will rest them gently upon them. three words: i love you. and 5, if i had 2 more to spare: i will always love you.

Don't

"Don't love me. don't. just don't.

for i may not remember the year you were born, or the exact address of that place we first met, or your phone number, or what color was your shirt yesterday, or how many friends you have, or their names, or how long you and your ex had been together, or even her name. i may not remember these details, maybe it's because i didn't care much and i am really sorry for that.

but i will surely remember how you made me feel the first time i ever saw you.

i will indeed remember how my stomach twirled and turned the first moment you talked to me. i will remember how our first small talk, first chat, first phone call went. i will definitely remember all those signs that bestow glimpses of hope, all those words that gripped me together and further my wishes and expectations for us.

i will absolutely remember the exact way you loved me and made me feel worthy.

i will remember how you recall every important detail in my life. i will remember how you glanced at me then smiled so beautifully then told me that when you look at me, all you see is the rest of your life right before your very eyes. i will remember that time you confide your desire to live the rest of your life with me - to marry me and build a life with me. i will remember that moment you conceded that you don't know how you would recover your life if ever you'd lost me. i will remember how you genuinely loved me.

With that, however, i will also remember how every constituent of my body vibrated and echoed that excruciating pain. i will utterly remember how broken i am (still), along with all your broken promises.

i will remember perfectly how it ravaged every beautiful element inside me; how you destroyed me.

because i will always remember all these, like burns engraved in my chest, in my mind, and right through my bare soul.