Tuesday, March 29, 2016

After having been torn apart about it for a few days, she decided to tell Dan what happened between her and him, and the subsequent clash of feelings and emotions that they both experienced, that she's experiencing right now.

"So now you're here, waiting for his answer, one you'd been hoping would be what you wanna hear; but his answer should be one with a higher possibility of not what you want to hear."

......

"First things first, I'm pretty sure when he came and met you he had no intentions, at all, to rekindle any romance that happened between you two. In fact, I'm 110% sure that his intentions were purely to reconnect as friends. Maybe he felt like he still had feelings for you, and the point of this meeting is for him to reassure himself that he made the right decision, and that his feelings for you are just based on past memories, and this meeting will further echo his thought of not wanting to be with you.

And that's why he mentioned not wanting to be in a relationship so many times throughout your lunch with him. Maybe he felt something stir in his heart and he's just trying to reassure himself that he's happy being single, that his life cannot go on with someone like you by his side. Or maybe he's just telling you the truth. He doesn't want to be in a relationship, not now, and not any time soon. Maybe meeting you didn't cause him to feel anything, at all.

And when every time he look away you stare at his side profile to remember the way his eyes crease when he smiles, the way his beard used to give you those beard rashes, how you used to lie your head on his shoulders, and hold his hand while walking through the grocery store,... While you're doing all those, maybe he never did it to you. Maybe he looks at you and he truly sees you as a friend, as someone who he can talk to and laugh with, but that's that.

When he offered to carry you like how he promised he'd do to you even when you're old, when you koala hugged and you looked into his eyes and his eyes were different than how it was in the grocery store, maybe then he truly had that spark. Maybe he realized "shit, I still love this girl." Or maybe you thought too much. You have a tendency to do that, don't you? Maybe that look was just a glance back to the past you used to have, but in his mind, there's nothing about a future with you, it's just merely a past.

And then you placed him into that situation. When you told him you'd like to kiss him but you're afraid he pushed you away and he told you what if he didn't maybe he was truly curious. He asked you a question, "wouldn't it be more awkward?", and you decided to challenge him, to push his boundaries. That... that made you a bitch.

And then after everything that wasn't supposed to happen happened he held you in his arms and he didn't wanna let you go, and you, that selfless, selfless you, thought of how he suffered when he was with you and how happy he is now and you asked him to let you go. You said things to remind him why he left in the first place, to convince him that leaving you is the best choice, that going on is the worst choice he could make. You kept asking him to let you go, to let you go to the toilet, knowing that that's your first step to helping him make the decision to not have anything to do with you. Then you tell him that no matter what you'll be fine... Will you be fine, honestly?

You asked him if he still love you, and he was silent, and that silent could've been a yes, but then that silence most probably was just him contemplating how to tell you he doesn't without hurting your feelings more than he already did.

But now... now you told him the truth about you being sick and even if he actually decided to end things do you think he'd tell you when everyone around you is worried about this girl who is vomiting blood and getting dizzy spells, whose appetite drastically went down til she only eats a meal a day? Do you think he'd have the heart to tell you that he doesn't want any of these?

And you tell him so much of your feelings and yet you miss out on telling him so many things. All because you choose to not be selfish.

So now you're here......."