Friday, April 1, 2016

Trying too hard

She has always been that girl who tries damn hard for everything that she wants, who'd put people through hell with her stubbornness just so she could have things. Sometimes she hurts herself in the process; sometimes she hurts others. Her belief that nothing in this world cannot be achieved if you try hard enough has caused her so much pain, so much self-worth lost in the lines of trying too hard.

And it's evident when everything in her life starts to fall apart. Her trying too hard, ironically, seems to not be enough at all. Her guy walked away from her life, her best friend died in an accident, her results plummeted, she's stressed out from work, her health is deteriorating, her life was just in shambles. Every morning she woke up and told herself that if she tried hard enough, everything will be okay, everything will get better, but it never did get better.

Her wanting to make him happy meant her trying too hard to push him away, or forcing him to make decisions, her indecisiveness, her trying too hard to get an answer, she needs an answer. Her constant replaying of her best friend's last voice note to her didn't bring him back, and she tried so hard to forget, to not think about him, and all it brought was just memories and dreams and hopes 

Her trying hard to distract herself from life by working hard just caused her too much stress that she don't sleep, she can't sleep. She busied herself so much she lost any sense of passion for her work, and she just drifted day by day, "trying hard" to work hard.

And then her health... what happened to that? Between work and life and forgetting and remembering she truly, truly lost herself. She allowed herself to deteriorate to the point where her body is struggling to keep up, and it's like her body is self destructing, screaming at her to stop. trying. so. hard.

And then her therapist told her to go back to reading, and writing, and it helped. All the time she took to read and write made her pause and think about life, and she realized in the midst of making everything perfect she lost sight of all the beautiful imperfections around her.

So she stopped. She started accepting him as just friends, nothing more, nothing else. She stopped beating herself up whenever she thought about her best friend, and started embracing the tears and the sadness that envelops her. She stopped trying extremely hard to seem happy and cheerful and instead, just started to let her emotions fall through, even if it meant letting everyone see her facade and realize that something is wrong with her.

There are so many things that she can't control. Getting her heart broken, losing someone in her life, random acts of meanness and kindness, dying,... And so she's letting things be.

"At some point you will realize that you have done too much for someone, that the only next possible step to do is to stop. Leave them alone. Walk away. It's not like you're giving up, and it's not like you shouldn't try. It's just that you have to draw the line of determination from desperation. What is truly yours will eventually be yours, and what is not, no matter how hard you try, will never be."

Your mum reads my blog.

1 comment:

Launna said...

Wise words... I've often told myself I just have to try harder but like you, my whole life started falling apart... you're right that sometimes we have to stop and just feel... as painful as it is (I lost my best friend in a car crash... it devasted me... ) ....

I love the last paragraph of words and I believe them with my whole heart, what's meant to be will happen, what is not will never happen no matter what you say or do.... xox